Approximately 6 years ago I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. More specifically, Generalize Anxiety Disorder, or GAD for short. Once I was diagnosed, it was like a thunderbolt struck me. I immediately realized that I have been overanxious my entire life. Even as a child I was afraid of getting on elevators and walking down stairs. I had no problem going up stairs though. What an epiphany! My doctor said that this is common occurrence among anxiety sufferers. It was so weird for me to learn that not everyone felt the same way I do.
There is no cure or fix for anxiety, simply because there is a small part of everyone’s brain that is dedicated to worrying. It’s a survival mechanism. It’s just that some of us are blessed with a more robust and muscular anxiety center. For we lucky few, we get to live with a more heightened state of alertness all the time! In a legitimately dangerous situation this can be an asset. But in our more sedate and relatively (note that I said relatively) danger-free modern life, it can be a mental klaxon going off constantly for no good reason, leading to immense stress, fatigue and depression.
Survival
Let me give you a fer instance: 15000 years ago, Gronk and his little hunter/gatherer tribe have been busy scrounging for grubs and roots. Perhaps they snagged a bunny or some other meaty treat along the way.
But it’s getting late, and the band needs to find a place to stay for the night. They find a promising cave, but perhaps the cave is already taken by a short-face bear or a pack of dire wolves. Everyone is on high alert.
What luck! There is a vacancy at this stone age motel. The group settles in, starts a fire so they can cook a haunch of wooly mammoth to eat before they bed down for the night. Unfortunately for poor Gronk, he is blessed (cursed?) with a pretty active worry system. So he gets to spend the night ruminating about all sorts of possible dangers, real or imagined.
What if this is a creature’s lair, and it returns in the middle of the night to eat us? What if there is a nest of venomous snakes we didn’t see, and they’re drawn to the heat of the fire? What if it rains and we get flooded out? What if the ground shakes causing rocks to slide down and block our exit? We’ll be trapped!
What if, what if, what if. Anybody who suffers excess anxiety knows the power those two little words can have over our lives.
What can be done?
So, since anxiety can’t be cured, what options are there to help manage it?
Therapy helps. Exercise helps. Mindfulness helps. Journaling helps.
I find gardening and bicycling particularly helpful in dealing with my own anxiety.
Medicines can help, but they often come with side effects. If the anxiety is bad, then the sufferer is often willing to live with the side effects. I do.
All these things help, but they do not fix the problem. There is no fix, However, they can make dealing with anxiety more bearable. I have found Acceptance and Commitment (ACT) therapy to be a very powerful tool. It’s a form of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), but it does not teach the patient to try and change their thinking. Instead, patients of ACT learn to stop fighting the anxiety and learn to accept it. This means acknowledging the anxiety and yet continuing to live life as best is possible under the circumstances. Don’t let the fear keep you from living.
Or put another way, as those who served in the United States military were told repeatedly, “embrace the suck”.
But sometimes these tools don’t work. Sometimes anxiety takes over and it just won’t let go.
So what then?
A ship on the ocean
I have come to view life as a vast ocean. and I am a ship sailing on that ocean. Sometimes, the ocean is calm and serene and my ship glides smoothly through the waters. Other times, problems arise, clouds scud overhead and the ocean becomes a bit choppy and harder to steer in. This is when my anxiety reaches 4 or 5 on a scale of 10. Rough sailing, but not terribly so.
And then there are times when life turns to shit. Dark clouds loom ominously overhead, gale force winds blow, and the waves are like mountains. This is an 8-10 anxiety storm, a full-on hurricane. The waves wash over me, and all I can do is let them pass, try to head into the storm all while holding on for dear life.
I use all my tools and remind myself that this storm will eventually pass. It may take hours, it may take days, it may even take months.
But it will pass, and then the ocean will be calm once again. For a while anyway. Because I know there will be other storms ahead. But I will weather them when they come, just as I have for the past 60+ years.
Seeking help
So why, after all these years, am I baring my soul to the world now?
Because if there is even the slightest chance that somebody who is suffering from severe anxiety comes across this post and is in despair, I want them to know that there is help! There is hope!
And men, especially older men, it’s important for you to know that it is okay to ask for assistance. We were raised to “tough it out” and to “suck it up”. Bullshit! Nobody, and I mean nobody, will think any less of you for seeking help. Asking for help will not make you “less manly”. Quite the contrary. I have found most people that I have told about my situation have been very supportive.
I am certainly not a hard-ass tough guy. But I served 30 years in the Air Force. I am combat veteran. I deployed to the Middle East numerous times, including 3 deployments to Iraq. I worked the majority of my adult life on fighter jets.
I’ve scuba-dived and rock climbed. I was once able to squat over 500lbs and bench press just shy of 300lbs. I’ve broken bones, torn hamstrings, herniated discs and had more surgeries than I care to count. I’ve endured frostbite, heat exhaustion, concussions, pneumonia and trench foot.
I helped raise two daughters.
So yeah, I’m relatively tough.
And if I can seek out help, so can you.
44,000 American commit suicide every year. We lose 6 veterans to suicide a day! Don’t be a statistic. SEEK HELP!
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline | Federal Communications Commission (fcc.gov)
Facts about Veteran suicide – VA News
